just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
