What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
