Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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