One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Randomize
