I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
