I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
We need a shit load of segways right now
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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