I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
