I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
