first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
