WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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