someone owes me an orgasm
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
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