good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
