God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
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