You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
