TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
