Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
