Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
