Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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