A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
