He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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