I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
