No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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