Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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