If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
being pregnant is like rehab
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
