So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I will pee on everything he values.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
