I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
