My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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