I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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