no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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