Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
