2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
There's always time for handjobs
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
The uberlube is also flammable
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
