so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
