question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
