fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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