My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
