Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
