i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
