I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
