god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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