dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Randomize
