hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
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