you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
