I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
