Your mouth is God's brothel.
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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