I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
