U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
