I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
