the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
