I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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