i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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