So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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